


Dissonance

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Love, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-28
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allyse Shepard hasn't adjusted to her new life very well, and doesn't expect to encounter Kaidan on Horizon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dissonance

Ever since she'd been back, awake, conscious, aware - she didn't really know what to call it, Allyse's thoughts turned to Kaidan.  When Jacob told her that she'd been gone for two years and twelve days, her heart sank down to her knees.  Two years.  Everyone had moved on, mourned her and had time to get on with their lives.  She wondered what Kaidan had done, where he'd been during the last two years, if he'd even still thought about her.

It hurt, every time she talked to someone and realized she'd missed a major event.  Jokes she didn't get, references to not-so-recent things that were all new to her.  Her spirits got lower and lower with each passing day, her absence created a dissonance between her and everything happening around her and she felt like she would never be able to catch up. Her life had stopped two years ago, and everyone else had gone on.  In her coma, stasis, whatever it was that they'd held her in while rebuilding her, she'd dreamt, wasting her time in slumber.  Indulging herself in visions of a life that could never be as time sped by her, the waking world around her forgetting everything that had been alive, human and real about her.  Allyse had seen Miranda and Wilson standing over her, their hazy images incorporated into her dreams along with voices, Joker and a few others, but as irony would have it, she'd spent two years dreaming about Kaidan.   She loved him, and waking up two years in the future didn't change that fact, couldn't erase her feelings.

Kaidan.  Now that she was awake, he was lost to her, even more distant than he'd been in her dreams.  She couldn't find out where he was, every attempt to talk to him was stonewalled.  Emails bounced back unread, undeliverable.  Anderson wouldn't budge whenever she asked him and even the Illusive Man couldn't get her any answers.

She missed him more than anything else.  Sometimes when she wasn't paying attention, she'd start to turn to where he used to always stand, expecting to see him looking back at her.  Whenever she looked over there now, it wasn't his station, and there were anxious faces of her new Cerberus crew staring back at her.  It was jarring, being on the new Normandy that wasn't really her ship.  Miranda was the head of this little venture, even if Allyse was commanding the missions - she knew who truly pulled the strings.  Little things got to her, like the crew passing her over and going to Miranda for help or requests, and seeing the Cerberus operative going into the comm room when Allyse hadn't been called in, private meetings with the Illusive Man.  Shepard was the muscle in this operation, not the leader, and this damn ship wasn't her Normandy.

Cerberus had given her just enough life to make her feel like a prisoner.  There was a purpose, duty, just as their had been in the Alliance, but it had lost its shine, even after she got Garrus back on her side.

With time, Allyse tried to give herself over to work.  There were people dying, disappearing without a trace as the official argued over what to do about it.  Her goals were worthy, there was nothing more important than saving lives, but she had lost her connection, the people of the colonies all became a faceless mass to her.  The crew she now commanded wasn't full of people she knew, the people that had gone to hell and back with her as she'd tracked down Saren.  It wasn't love or personal stake that made her go forward anymore, but rather because she didn't know what else to do.  She did her job by rote, not because she was really the 'big goddamn hero' that they hyped her up to be.  Allyse felt more like a hitchhiker, taking whatever ride she could to get to a destination that hadn't revealed itself yet.

Seeking out the quiet peace of traveling through the stars, taking a break from building up her group, Allyse was interrupted by Joker.  The Illusive Man summoned her, stage managing her very existance again, while declaring that she was the one in charge.  There was another colony, Horizon that was going to be attacked by the Collectors, but he was cagey when she asked how he got the information.  Allyse made the right responses, said the things he needed to hear to end their transmission, but when she walked down the hall to talk to Mordin, she didn't feel the fire she needed to go forward.

No, only fighting brought out the life in her anymore, and it was when she hit the ground that she woke out of her stupor.  Their team landed on Horizon, and Shepard could feel the foreboding, tension coiling in her belly, making her blood run hot.  This is what she'd been waiting for, that electric jolt that made her remember who she was.  The sounds of the seeker swarms were carried to her on the air as she rounded a corner, her shotgun drawn.  Fighting was thrilling, white-hot passion and pain, split second life or death decisions, and it was about the only thing that pulled her out of her doldrums these days.  The ugly, unwelcome Collectors were still here, their ground team interrupting their morbid harvesting of the colonists. Adrenaline filled her veins as she pushed forward, her gun never released, hands ready around the trigger as she, Garrus and Mordin delved further into the settlement.

Deeper in she pressed, making her way to the defense towers after finding a hidden janitor in a room.  He'd told her, in a voice dripping with acidic dislike about the Alliance Commander Alenko that was supposed to be here to help them with the GARDIAN anti-ship batteries as a gesture of goodwill.  It seemed like the goodwill was all one-sided, but part of Allyse didn't blame the man, he was right to be suspicious of the Alliance, but that didn't matter to her at the moment.  Kaidan was here, definitely here, and she had to find him, just the thought of him in danger breaking through her bloodlust.  There was something at stake here, someone she needed to save.

These people hated him,  resented that he was even here and couldn't have been accomodating to his presence, even if he was supposed to help them defend their colony.  The Alliance had to be out here for more than just the defense of one settlement, and she felt the same feeling of being used creep up on her, like it did whenever she talked with the Illusive Man.  She didn't like feeling like a pawn, not for Cerberus, and definitely not for the Alliance.

Husks came at her from all sides as the Harbinger assumed control of another vessel.  The battle was going badly, she could only get a few shots loose before husks surrounded her again, demanding her attention, drawing her fire away.  Behind her Garrus and Mordin were fighting equally hard, and she landed a well-placed incinerate that allowed her team to get the advantage and tackle the Praetorian without interruption.  Panting, she ran over to the platform as soon as the wretched thing was defeated and activated the defense turrets.  Their shots were true as they locked onto the Collector vessel, forcing them into a retreat.  It wasn't a victory, not by a longshot, but it wasn't an absolute abduction and defeat as the other colonies had been.

The man, Delan was ranting at her, shouting at the sky.  Allyse turned away, blocking it out the bleating noise of a man that didn't care that she'd saved him, ready to go back to the ship, but then another voice spoke.  Still here, even though she hadn't seen him.  Relief flooded her as she closed her eyes to just listen to it, for one brief second.  The sound, the timbre and cadence, everything about it was heartbreakingly familiar, it could have been plucked from her dreams, and she felt her breath quicken as the speaker rounded a corner and revealed himself.

"Commander Shepard, Captain of the Normandy,  first human Spectre and Savior of the Citadel.  You're in the presence of a legend Delan, and a ghost."


End file.
